Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
