she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
