I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just gift wrapped bread.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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