I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
