Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
