dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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