Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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