Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
