Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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