the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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