I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
