I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
