It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i dont even know how to be here
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
