I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
