For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
