Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
