Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
