he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I deserve this hangover.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
