Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
