i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
