You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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