I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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