SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
