i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
