my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You left your phone here
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