she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
