Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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