Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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