Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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