Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
