True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
