I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
