I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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