just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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