So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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