I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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