I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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