Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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