I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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