a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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