Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
