I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
