I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
