i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
