I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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