me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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