yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
