I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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