glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
