Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
