Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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