I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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