Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
