i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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