I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Vodka?
Forever.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
