You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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