i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
