Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Houston, we have a squirter
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
