so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize