My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
