There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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