apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
