My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
