so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
