Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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